Fifty Ways To Cut Your Mustard | Professor Michael Mainelli

Those who know me, know my weakness:

“The problem is all inside your bread”, she said to me,
That mustard will stick if you add it liberally
Smother that sausage so it cannot wriggle free
There must be fifty ways to cut your mustard

She said “it’s really not my habit to extrude”
Furthermore, maximum strength will ne’er be weak nor misconstrued
So I repeat myself, at the risk of Dijon vu
There must be fifty ways to cut your mustard, fifty ways to cut your mustard

Just slap on the flap, Jack, add some more ham, Sam
No need for the soy, Roy, just mustard for me
Pop on more juice, Bruce, and cut your gut loose
Just add some more Keen-Lee, more mustard for me

She said “it grieves me so to see such little pain,
I think more mustard would make you smile again”
I said “I appreciate that, but would you increase the gain, about some fifty ways”

She said, “why don’t we do ten jars or more tonight
I believe that in the morning you’ll begin to feel quite light”
And then she kissed me and I realised she probably was tight
There are only fifty ways to cut your mustard, fifty ways to cut your mustard

Just slap on the flap, Jack, add to the spam, Sam
You’ve got to be keen, Gene, just mustard for me
Pop on more juice, Bruce, and cut your gut loose
Just add some more Keen-Lee, more mustard for me

Apologies to Paul Simon – “Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover“